i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
