Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
