Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
