omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It's shark week go big or go home
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
