Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
