I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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