i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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