I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
