I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
