oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
