True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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