Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
