I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
