You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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