So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My penis needs a shock collar
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize