If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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