Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Pants are for mortals
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
