I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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