I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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