I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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