She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
