Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
