just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
