Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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