i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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