He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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