I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
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