a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
BRING THE BAGELS
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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