and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
