i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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