Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
