Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
