Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
