People in love make me want to vomit
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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