The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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