If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
