not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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