I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
