Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
