so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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