girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
