I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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