I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm always down for nudity.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
