Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Randomize