Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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