I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
