Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
