Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
