so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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