omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize