So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
