but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My dick has a subreddit
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
