The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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