My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
