The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
