if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize