Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
