i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
