I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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